by Rysler
* * *
"Dear Pethouse," Jack typed. "I never thought it could happen to me."
"Jack, you can't start a log like that," Daniel said.
Jack turned and glared at Daniel, who was peeking over his shoulder. They nearly knocked heads. Jack said, "I can start a log any way I want. Stop peeking."
Daniel shrugged.
"What did you write in your log, Danny-boy?" Jack asked.
"The truth. That it was a fascinating anthropological study, and I referred it to some of my subordinates in sociology to write up the social implications of a friendly culture using sexual exchanges in the absence of a power structure."
Jack blinked, and then turned back to the computer. He said, "You did not write that."
"Did to."
"Did not."
"At least I can spell Penthouse," Daniel said.
Jack scowled. He said, "I need to be alone."
* * *
One week earlier...
"They say they come in peace, sir," Walter said, and Hammond glared at him. Walter cleared his throat. "I mean, they're peaceful explorers."
In the gateroom, three aliens, bipedal and leather-skinned, with three eyes each, stood nervously at the bottom of the ramp. They all wore camoflauge, and carried no obvious weapons.
Hammond folded arms. He said, "They want to explore us?"
"Yes, sir," Walter said. "Well. Earth, at least."
Sam came into the observation room, out of breath. She leaned on the back of Walter's chair and said, "First contact, sir?"
Hammond nodded. "Yes. I'm a bit at odds. Maybe we should fly in experts from Area 51. But that'd take some time. If only we had a first contact team established on base."
Sam cleared her throat.
"Ah. Major Carter. Right. I'm not used to it being the other way around."
"Yes, sir."
"Go say hello? Or whatever it is you do out there."
"Yes, sir." Sam said. She headed for the gateroom. On the stairwell she met Jack, and dragged him down with her. "Aliens in the gateroom," she said.
"Friendly?"
"Seem so."
"Cool."
Sam walked into the gateroom, and smiled at the aliens.
"We come in peace," the alien slightly in front of the others said.
Jack leaned over to Sam, and said, "What's the next part of that? I can never remember. It's usually not us saying it."
Sam spread out her hands and said, "Hi."
* * *
Janet snapped on a plastic glove and smiled politely at the aliens. She'd been introduced to them and knew the leader was Bul. She said, "Sam said you're from a planet about nine million light years away."
Bul said, "Yes."
"You must be tired from that long journey," she said, and chuckled.
Bul hesitated, and then chuckled as well. "Yes, yes."
"Do you have doctors on your world?"
"Yes," Bul said. "Healers. We have a great grasp of anatomy. And we would like to know yours as well."
"Of course. We'll share with you our studies of human anatomy, as soon as Sam has figured out how to sync your data storage technology with our own."
Bul nodded.
Janet stepped closer to them, trying not to scare them, with a scanner in her hand. "Now, if you wouldn't mind disrobing."
All three of Bul's eyes widened as their lids drew back.
"Oh, don't worry. It's all perfectly normal. After all, I am a doctor."
* * *
Bul picked at the food the humans had placed on the table for him. Bulla and Bu ate more heartily, but he was feeling full with contemplation. "They told us to rest," he said.
"From our long journey," Bulla responded, cackling.
Bul glanced at the single bed in the middle of the room. He asked, "Do you think they are observing us now?"
"Undoubtedly," Bu said, and belched.
Bulla said, "They wish to see how we interact with each other, so they will know how to interact with us on our level. They seem very sophisticated. They would not want to overwhelm us."
Bu belched again, and nodded.
"Unless they are deeming us worthy of meeting. Or--mating."
Bu nearly choked on his food.
"Why else would there be a bed? And their 'doctor' clearly wanted us to disrobe. This is not a society of modesty."
Bu disgorged the avian bone from his throat and said, "Maybe they're the last of a dying species, and their cloning technology has only resulted in death and mutation, and they need our bloodlines to carry on. So they want to see if we're physically compatible."
"Why do we bring him?" Bul asked, gesturing at Bu.
"He reads well," Bulla said. She said, "I think maybe they're just perverts."
"Or maybe they think we're perverts, and want to see how long we can go without mating," Bu said.
"Quite a long time!" Bul said.
Bu resumed eating.
When the food was done, and the humans had not come back for another ten minutes, Bulla said, "They're obviously waiting for us to do something."
"But we're different castes. And different genders. And--And there's three of us," Bul said.
"If we do not all do it, they will understand our power hierarchy, and then they will manipulate us," Bu said.
"Did you read that somewhere?"
Bu grinned.
"Fine." Bul said. He stood up and began pulling off his tunic.
* * *
"Frankly, Carter, I forgot they were there," Jack said, striding down the corridor next to Sam.
"How often do we have aliens here?" Sam asked.
"All the damn time. And I didn't see you coming up for air from that computer."
"Their technology is fascinating."
Jack rolled his eyes, and said, "Well, then, so are they."
"Point taken."
Jack slid his access card through the door, and swung it open. "Hey guys, ready for a close encounter of the--" He took in the scene of three naked aliens all joined together in a pyramidal form on the bed. "What the hell?"
"Magnets?" Sam suggested.
The aliens looked chagrined.
* * *
Hammond stood in the observation room. The aliens disappeared through the stargate. "What were their names again?" He asked.
"Bo, Beau, and Ball," Jack said.
Sam snorted.
"Maybe we should have gotten that expert from Area 51 after all," Hammond said. "At least they seem interested in trading."
"Oh, they invited us all to their world to do it all again," Jack said.
"I wonder what they do on their world--" Sam said, and then covered her mouth.
"Don't ask," Jack said.
"Just remember, we are all explorers," Hammond said.
Sam lowered her hand.
Jack shook his head and said, "No one is going to ask them. Ever."
* * *
"Tell," Janet said, leaning closer to Sam, so that their conversation wouldn’t be overheard in the mess hall.
"Huge," Sam said.
"Like, once you go Bul you're never going back huge? Or like, a tentacle?"
Sam grinned. She said, "Something perfectly in between."
"And I couldn't get them to take off their shorts," Janet said.
"Jack said it was none of our business," Sam said. She took a sip of her soda.
"Well, of course he did. He thinks humans are so superior. Must be hard to be so short-changed."
Sam giggled.
* * *
Bu added an image to his slide presentation, and put it up on the largest wall of the tent. "This is how they mate," he said to the gathered group.
"But there's only two of them," someone shouted.
"I know. And they seem to only fit together one way. It seems very binary."
Bul said, "I told you this wasn't the right species to help us spurn our genetic evolution."
"But we're still having them over for dinner, right?" An audience member asked, gazing at the screen. "I have got to see that in action."
END